The power of playing with your child
Why play matters and how to bring it into your parenting
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For most children, play is an intrinsic need. For adults, play can feel more effortful, no matter how much a child begs us to participate. But if we aren’t playful in our interactions with children, they – and we – may be missing out. Children benefit not just from playing with peers and on their own, but from playing with the adults in their lives, too. Playing with a caregiver can help infants and children focus longer, handle stress better, behave less “negatively,” and develop better cognitive abilities, emotion regulation, and social skills.
“Children benefit not just from playing with peers and on their own, but from playing with the adults in their lives, too.”
The benefits of parent-child play
Parent-child play can even help mitigate the risks of childhood adversity, such as poverty. In one study of low-income families, for example, researchers gave parents bags of toys and books, and told them to use them with their two-year-old in whatever way felt most natural. The more playful dads were with their toddlers – for example, using a toy cooking pot as a hat – the better their children’s vocabulary a little over three years later. The more playful mothers were, the better their children’s emotion regulation at the same time point.
In a study of toddlers with delayed growth in low-income neighborhoods, mothers were shown how to play with their toddlers and encouraged to do so daily. Their children had better outcomes at 11 and 17 years old than their peers who were not in the intervention. The children also were less likely to be expelled from school, were less involved in fighting and violence, and had fewer depressive symptoms. This and other studies indicate that parent-child play could help to close the gap between less advantaged children and their peers.
How to play with your child
How can parents learn how to play? What mindset shifts might help? And what pitfalls should be avoided? Here are 10 tips from the science of play.
1. Let your child lead
In guided play, adults might set the rules and even the goal. Activities might have a particular set of steps and a desired outcome, as when assembling a model airplane or playing a board game.
But that doesn’t mean adults should “take over,” says Roberta Golinkoff, a developmental psychologist who founded the Child’s Play, Learning, and Development Lab at the University of Delaware. “Even when adults have a goal, it is crucial not to impose it on the child, but encourage the child to discover what is needed next,” she says. “Just telling kids what to do is not as productive for them as letting them discover the next steps.”
Adults need to take even more of a back seat when it comes to unstructured or free play – which could include exploring a playground, drawing, or engaging in pretend play. When parents are too intrusive or controlling during play, their children may become less able to sustain attention and even stop playing altogether.
“You have to let the kid be the chef, and you are the sous chef,” Golinkoff says. “If you take over the play, you will shut it down. The parent has to follow the child’s lead. If the parent does that, and enters into whatever fantasy world the child has constructed, they’ll have a great time. But you have to let the kid tell you what to do.”
“You have to let the kid be the chef, and you are the sous chef.”
Roberta Golinkoff
2. Scaffold play to help it become more elaborate
Scaffolding involves supporting children only as much as they need to complete a task, with the intention of helping them learn how to do it themselves. Scaffolding is key to helping kids learn new skills – and can be important in play. For example, you might hold the base of a tower to keep it steady while a toddler places more blocks on top.
One study found that when mothers scaffolded their child’s interest in an activity at 2 years old (by continually redirecting them back to it, for example), the children had better cognitive and social skills at 3 and 4.5 years old. Crucially, though, the type of scaffolding you’re offering has to shift as your child develops: the same study found that the 3.5-year-olds whose mothers provided the most help went on to be less independent, including in their thinking and their socializing, at 4.5 years old.
If a toddler is busy playing with dolls, for example, you can follow their lead while also encouraging them to make their play a step more elaborate. If the child is hugging the doll, you might say, “It looks like Dolly is really sleepy. Should we sing her a lullaby?”
“If you watch a young toddler co-create or co-construct a play story” with an adult, the resulting story is going to be “a lot lengthier and deeper than those they create on their own,” says developmental psychologist Catherine Tamis-LeMonda, who leads the Play and Language Lab at New York University in the US. The next time they play with dolls, they’re more likely to engage in a more elaborate scenario even without prompting, she says.
3. Use simple toys
In the study of children with delayed growth, mothers were given “toys made from commonly discarded household items” along with simple picture books. These turned out to be all the children in the intervention group needed. Other studies have found that children tend to play longer, and more creatively, with toys when they have fewer of them. Simpler, open-ended toys can be better. “You can buy or use household objects that you would never think would absorb a child’s imagination. That big appliance box you got, with a little attention, you can turn it into a boat, a bed, you can put pillows in it,” says Golinkoff. Scaffolding helps, since that kind of pretend play can be more difficult for babies and toddlers to come up with on their own, she says.
“Children tend to play longer, and more creatively, with toys when they have fewer of them.”
4. Let children express all of their emotions in play
“Young kids, they need emotional involvement with their parent, and they need permission to play,” says Sandra Russ, a clinical child psychologist at Case Western Reserve University in the US who studies pretend play. They also benefit from permission to express emotions, particularly more negative emotions. They need to know, for example, that “it is okay to drive the truck into another car – to express some aggression, to express some anger, to express some sadness, to express their feelings,” she says. “Many parents don’t understand how important it is for children to express their emotions in play. And, maybe, I think there are also some parents who only want their child to express happiness.”
Children haven’t fully acquired the communication skills that would allow them to talk about their emotions in complex ways. Their emotional self-regulation and sense of self are also still developing. So play is a primary way that children can express themselves and their emotions.
5. Be authentic if you’re uncomfortable during play
If you’re really struggling to be playful with the particular scenario your child has set up – you just can’t get into pretending to be a cat, say – you can redirect the game back to the child, Russ says. “If I didn’t want to do that, or wasn’t comfortable with that, I would say, ‘You know, I’m not good at that. You show me how you do that,'” she says. “‘What’s going to happen next with this cat?'”
6. Turn almost any task into play
“Although many parents feel that they do not have time to play with their children, pediatricians can help parents understand that playful learning moments are everywhere,” notes the American Academy of Pediatrics. “Even daily chores alongside parents can be turned into playful opportunities, especially if the children are actively interacting with parents and imitating chores.”
“Play occurs everywhere, in every context, not just with toys.”
Catherine Tamis-Lemonda
“Play occurs everywhere, in every context, not just with toys,” Tamis-Lemonda says. It doesn’t matter whether you are playing a game of hide-and-seek, roughhousing, or making chores more playful. What matters is how caregivers approach the situation and how playful they are.
Playfulness can mean being relaxed, cheerful, creative, humorous, and joyful in an activity, or infusing imagination and creativity into a situation. Being playful can have benefits.
For example, when parents were more playful with their 1- to 3-year-old, the child behaved better – they were less likely to be noncompliant, for example. Playfulness also buffered the risks of certain types of parent behaviors: Mothers who were less sensitive or more intrusive were more likely to have children with negative behaviors if the mothers weren’t playful. But if less sensitive or more intrusive mothers were especially playful, the children were no more likely to behave negatively.
7. Respond warmly while your child plays
Some people believe that to foster independent play, you should restrict your response to your child as they are playing. But as in any other scenario, children at play benefit from attunement, warmth, and responsiveness.
In general, when mothers are more sensitive – noticing, interpreting, and quickly responding to their child’s needs and interests – their children are far more likely to be securely attached to their mother. The children also have better executive functioning at 2 years old, are more emotionally ready for preschool, and are less fearful, anxious, and emotionally reactive.
The benefits of responsiveness also show up during play. Two-year-olds at risk of behavioral problems whose mothers were warm and responsive during lab tasks that included play had bigger improvements in their attention spans by age 4.5 than those with mothers who were not warm and responsive. Similarly, the more responsive a mother was to her 10-month-old during play, the better cognitive skills the child had at 1.5 years old, including problem solving, memory, and knowledge.
There are many reasons for this. One is that interaction with a parent can enrich a child’s experience. If a baby rolls a ball alone, for example, she might learn about cause and effect, movement, and how to roll a ball. But if her parent rolls it back to her while saying “Wow, look at how you rolled that ball! Here, I’m rolling it back to you!” the baby also learns about how people might respond, how to catch a ball, the emotions and social interaction that ball-rolling can elicit, and verbal communication.
When a child’s bids for attention are met with an attuned response, it also helps them feel safe and secure, which provides a basic foundation for cognitive development. It is harder for children to learn or think creatively when they feel threatened or stressed.
“When a child’s bids for attention are met with an attuned response, it also helps them feel safe and secure.”
8. Encourage autonomy in play
The study of 10-month-olds also looked at how much stimulating language the mothers used, and whether they promoted autonomy. Saying things like “Now it’s your turn” or “Mummy will show you how to do it, then you have a go,” was beneficial for the child’s later cognitive skills. The key is finding a balance between responding to a child’s bid for connection and encouraging them to try things on their own.
9. Play in short bursts
When it comes to playing with your child, the time commitment may not be as significant as you might think. Babies, toddlers and younger children, in particular, will play in short bursts, Tamis-Lemonda says. “Parents don’t have to think they have to sit there for 30 minutes – that actually won’t fit the timing or rhythm,” she says. “Joining in literally for two minutes and playing for two minutes and talking about things – that’s enough. You don’t have to stay for 30 minutes, and the kid won’t be interested for 30 minutes.” You could play for shorter bursts, then let your child explore on their own.
Even for older children, 10 or 15 minutes of play can be all they need to fill their cup. Play in 5-, 10- or 15-minute increments, go away if you have to, then come back. That can be less overwhelming than feeling like you have to play for 30 or 60 minutes.
10. Give children more privacy during play, and encourage more peer play, as they grow older
Children aged about 5 to 9 normally want to play more often by themselves or with other kids, says Russ. “At that age, they need privacy. They need a space where they can just be themselves and not have somebody listening in,” she says. “So, by that age, parents should be respectful of their time and make it possible for them to have space and time to play – and not overschedule them.”
Making time for play
The bottom line? “Children who play with their parents are very lucky,” says Golinkoff. In the grand scheme of parenting, the span of time when your child will want you as a playmate is short. The handful of years in which a child actively wants to play with a parent make up a fraction of their – and our – lifetime. That fraction of time might feel difficult in the stress and overwhelm of everyday parenting. But “that fraction of time when you play with your child will reduce your stress, and make you realize why everyday parenting can be a joy,” Golinkoff says – joy that can pay dividends long into the future.
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